Devarim, Let Me Give You Some Advice About Advice

It’s very hard to give rebuke. But sometimes we need to say something. How should we go about it? Rashi begins his commentary of the book by saying that the whole book consists of words of rebuke, divrei tochechot. In the book as a whole there is no shortage of rebuke. Our parasha mentions the sin of the spies, the meraglim, and in parashat Ekev there is some heavy duty criticism of the sin of the golden calf.

How does Moshe rebuke without alienating his audience? After all, rebuke was the source of his earlier downfall. When told to take water from the rock, he was supposed to accompany the miracle with some kind words. Instead he called them rebels and that may have been his Achilles’ heel, the source of his demise.

The first pasuk of the whole parasha is seemingly about location, in great detail. Rashi has trouble believing that one place can actually have so many coordinates. He rather sees this verse as a hidden rebuke. These are the places where the Jews angered G-d, but : hizkiran b’remez mipnei kvodan shel yisrael, he mentioned them by hint because of the honor of Israel. The first lesson of rebuke, Rashi tells us, is to rebuke by hint, innuendo, to cajole rather than nag, make reference rather than be direct.

Secondly, Moshe takes responsibility for his own sins. Before he rebukes the Jews for the sin of the spies, he takes the blame himself. He begins the whole review of the whole 40 years in the desert by saying that he couldn’t handle it. He was too reluctant a leader. Also, Moshe fully acknowledges that G-d got angry at him too, not just at the masses, gam bi hitanaf hashem.. Ramban writes that Moshe’s cardinal sin was that he asked the spies to tell him if the land was good or bad.

The problem of tochecha, is who can give it. The Talmud in Erachin 16b, records that Rabbi tarfon said, I’m not sure anyone in this generation who is worthy to give tochecha. If you say to someone, take the splinter out of your teeth, he says to you, no, you take the beam out between your eyes. I.e., if you try to rebuke your fellow for his small sins, he’ll turn to you and say, what about your big sins? Moshe’s solution was to humble himself; I have sinned too, but let me tell you about our errors.

Moshe’s third trick in giving rebuke is that after he mentions the first sin at the outset of their travels he goes back to the present day, the end of the 40 year journey, the conquest of the trans-Jordan. Why does Moshe zigzag out of chronological order? Before mentioning all the Jewish sins, he wants to mention the Jewish successes as well. He tells them that they shouldn’t think that the task of being worthy to conquer Israel is something they are not up to. On the contrary, Moshe says, "You have already begun the conquest. I know you can do it. But by the way, he says, you did sin in the past, and you need to be more careful in the future. But I know you can do it. You did it. And you will do it again."

Finally, timing is everything. That may be why the exact coordinates in place and time are mentioned at the outset. It was Rosh Hodesh Shevat. The timing was key, said Rashi, because it makes most sense to rebuke only samuch l’mitah, prior to death, why is that a good time? The midrash sifrei answers that it avoids the need to repeat, or to nag. Once is rebuke, twice is annoying. Number two; it avoids embarrassment, because you never have to look at him again after he rebukes you since he is going to another world.

This is Shabbat chazon, we get musar from Isaiah: how does he do it? He calls us a gang of robbers, chavrei ganavim, calls us almost like sedom, kisdom hayinu laamora daminu. How does he, the inveterate lover of Israel, carry out his rebuke without nagging or alienating his audience? He begins with this verse: Banim gidalti v’romamti, v’hem pashu bi. To be worthy of giving rebuke have to establish the context of love. The verse of rebuke in the torah is the one before love your neighbor. The rebbe of slonim uses this concept to explain the opening to the book of rebuke, the book of mishlei, proverbs. It says, musar hashem, bni al timas, the chastisements of hashem, my son, do not reject. The rebbe reads the verse a little differently. You know what the best chastisement of Hashem is? Musar hashem- bni- you are my son. That is the best rebuke. I love you. I care about you, you are still my son no matter what. That is the best rebuke. In that context, the rebuke will be heard and absorbed.

Why is it that this portion of rebuke is always read on Shabbat hazon, before tisha b’av, the day commemorating the destruction of the temple? Perhaps it is based on a Gemara in Shabbat 119: lo nechreva Yerusalayim Ela al shlow hochichu zeh et zeh, Jerusalem was only destroyed because the Jews did not rebuke each other. If we want to have a better world, a better society, a better community, we need to learn how to help each other grow, improve, learn new ways. Using subtlety, humility, encouragement, good timing, and love, we can learn to rebuke.