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The Chanukah That Almost Wasn’t

Cast: Jim, Kokey, Core, Press, Smokey, Press1, Mr. Q,  Narrator, Narrator 2, Mrs. Snob, Mrs. Snob 2, Fancy 1, Congregant 1-4, Bluma, Rabbi, Sisterhood lady 1-5, Kid congregant, Marsha, Annie

Scene 1: (enter Core, Smokey, and to the side, Press, Press1, Kokey, Jim, Mr. And Mrs. Q aside)

Jim: We interrupt this program to bring you this fast breaking story. President Hal Core is about to announce a new national policy. We take you to the White House. Kokey? 

Kokey: Yes, Jim, The President is about to make a very radical proposal. This is most unprecedented. Let’s listen to the President as he enters the press conference. 

Core (stiff):  Ladies and gentlemen, the men and women of America. It has come to my attention through the great bureaucracy known as the ecology department that forest fires are up 13% this year. Those poor trees, oak, maple, and most tragically of all, yes, the redwood tree, I can hardly control myself. I see no other answer than to ask that all the men and women of this great country take the Smokey pledge and promise never, ever, ever to play with fire. I have taken the unusual step of bringing Smokey here today to address the nation. 

Kokey: (in undertone aside) Folks, this is remarkable, unheard of! 

Smokey: (bear outfit, sounding like a goofy bear): Repeat after me. I pledge never to play with fire. 

Press: I pledge, never to play with fire.

Core: Good, boys and girls, I mean ladies and gentlemen. That’s a start. Now I propose that Congress ratify this legislation that no one, I mean no one, should play with fire, not to cook, not to toast marshmallows, nothing! I trust that this will be a bipartisan effort. I have already contacted the new Speaker of the House, Newt Deadstone. He has pledged to work tirelessly for the sake of them trees. I appeal to you, the American people, don’t let them trees die!

Press (all together at once): Mr. President, Mr. President? 

Press1: Mr. President, would that mean no fire, ever, ever? 

Core: You heard us, never, ever, ever. 

Smokey: That’s right, never ever.

(exit Smokey, Core, Press, Press1)

Kokey: A most unusual appeal. Rarely before have we seen the president so emotional, as a matter of fact, we weren’t even sure he had any emotions! 

Jim: And that Smokey, I think that really got to me. I mean seeing Smokey standing there in front of the American people.  Just think how far he has come since “Smokey and the Bandit”. 

Kokey: Just amazing. Let’s get some of the reaction back home, Jim. 

(enter Mr. And Mrs. Q. Public.)

Jim: Yes, we have here Mr. And Mrs. Q. Public here in Arkansas, that’s west of Elvis country, for those of you who are not familiar. 

Mr. Q: Ahh playge to nehver evher pleigh with fihh. 

Jim: We return now to our regularly scheduled programs, already in progress. But don’t worry, you haven’t missed much. 

Narrator: And it was the most “in” thing in the country. It was a rage. They sold Smokey hats, Smokey key chains, Smokey sneakers, Smokey lunch boxes, Smokey designer jeans, Smokey t-shirts, Smokey bumper stickers, Smokey earrings, tattoos, and necklaces, Smokey beanie babies, Smokey websites, Smokey bill boards, Smokey everything. 

Scene II: (enter Mrs. Snob & Mrs. Snob2, with Fancy 1 on side, exit Jim, Kokey, Core, Press, Press1, and Smokey)

Mrs. Snob (with fur coat): Well, I took the Smokey pledge last Wednesday. What about you? 

Mrs. Snob 2:Well so there, I took the pledge last Tuesday. 

(another fancy lady (Fancy1) enters the conversation)

Fancy1: Well, I do declare. Have you heard about the Smokey Pledge? It’s the latest rage? 

Mrs. Snob: Well, of course, my dear, we were just talking about it. It’s the latest thing. Everyone is doing it. Just the other day at the club, we all did it. 

Scene III (enter Narrator, Congregant 1,2, 3, 4, Kidcong1, Bluma, Rabbi, and to the side, Sisterhood Lady 1-5. Exit Mrs. Snob & Mrs. Snob2, with Fancy 1) 

Narrator: But back at the Anshei Sphard-Beth El Emeth Congregation, people were not happy. 

Congregant1: What?! No more cooking chulent?  By preparing the chulent we show that we are allowed to use fire on Shabbos as long as the fire  is covered. We must be able to prepare the Chulent! 

Cong2: What?! No more Shabbos candles?! The Shabbos candles add all the beauty and mystique to a Friday night dinner. It’s the way we honor Shabbos and enjoy our  Shabbos meal. How can we enjoy our meal if we can’t see what we’re eating? What do you mean no fire? 

Cong3: What?! No matzos! The matzos must be prepared with a very hot fire so they bake before they have a chance to rise and become chametz. We must use fire. 

Cong4: What? No havdalah? But the Havdalah is the most beautiful part of the week. We light the fire to thank G-d for fire, especially since we hadn’t used it for 24 hours. The fire, the spices, and the wine, why without them how could we conclude the Shabbos? 

Kid Cong1: Most important of all, you mean no more Chanukah candles? How else can we commemorate the great miracle of the Hashmonaim? The candles symbolize the glow of the Torah. Without the candles of Hanukah burning brightly,  it might look as if the Torah’s light was going out, G-d forbid! 

Bluma: We must take political action.  Write your congressmen, call your Senator. Write a letter to the Commercial Appeal. 

Rabbi: But no one will care about our chulent or our Havdalah candles! 

Sisterhood lady1: What do you mean they won’t care? We’ll send our sisterhood strudel to all the decision makers in the land, and we’ll see if they still don’t care about our sisterhood strudel. 

Sisterhood: But Bluma, how many pieces should we make? 

Bluma: Let’s see, if you send it to 51 Senators and  290 Congressmen, that should do it. 

Sisterhood lady2: OK girls. Y’all roll up them sleeves. We’re getting’ down to business. No fussin or nothin’. We’re fixin’ to make us some mean strudel. 

Sisterhood lady 5: Let’s go!!! 

Scene IV: (enter Narrator2, Jim, Cokey, Core, exit Narrator, Congregant 1,2, 3, 4, Kidcong1, Bluma, Rabbi, Sisterhood Lady 1-5) 

Narrator2: Meanwhile, back at the White House, a new scandal was brewing. 

Jim: Today, it was alleged that President Core was seen at the Anshei Sphard-Beth El Emeth Congregation’s Barbecue Contest, a clear violation of his recent proposal.  Tonight, at the White House, President Core was denying allegations that he took place in the alleged Barbecue.  

Core: I may have been there but I didn’t swallow a thing. 

Kokey: Yes, Jim, you’ve heard it here. I think this one ranks right up there with his predecessor’s claim not to have inhaled. 

Jim: I don’t know if the American people can tolerate this kind of double talk. Only time will tell.

Scene V: (enter Narrator2, Annie, Marsha, Sisterhood 1-5, exit Jim, Core, Kokey) 

Narrator2: The sisterhood, meanwhile were busy mixing and rolling and cutting and baking.  

Annie: (looking down at mail)  Look at this Marsha, we got 500 requests from Washington for more strudel. What do we do? 

Marsha: (on speakerphone): Calling the milchig kitchen! Calling the milchig kitchen! 

Sisterhood lady3: Milchig kitchen here. Come in please. 

Marsha: That’ll be 500 more orders from Washington for your amazing strudel. 

Sisterhood lady4: Come on girls. Let’s throw in some more apples, cinnamon, nuts, raisins, and corn flake crumbs.  We’re on a roll.

Scene VI:  (enter Narrator 2, Jim, Kokey, Core,  exit Annie, Marsha, Sisterhood 1-5) 

Narrator 2: That night there was another break in the regularly scheduled programming. 

Jim: Today, in a remarkable reversal of policy the White house issued an edict calling for an increase in strudel production, particularly in the Southern region. 

Core:   I hereby call on all the hardworking men and women of this country, esp. women, to begin immediately to dispatch to the theatre of operation more strudel. 

Kokey: Yes, Jim, there seems to have been a shortage of strudel on Capitol Hill. 

Jim: That’s amazing, Kokey. Does this mean that the White House is backing down on its demands that all fire not be used? 

Kokey: That’s right, Jim. That’s what it means. As a matter of fact, (say this slowly) Low Shtark is opening up an investigation into an improper exchange of funds between Smokey and the President. 

Jim: So I guess this means that the whole Smokey initiative is kinda going up in smoke?  

Kokey: I guess you might say that,  Jim. 

Scene VII: (enter Narrator 2, Congregant 1-4, Sisterhood lady1-5, Rabbi, exit Jim, Kokey, Core) 

Narrator2: But back at Anshei Sphard-Beth El Emeth Congregation,  people were thrilled. 

(enter sisterhood and congregants)

Congregant 1: Yay! Now we can eat chulent again with impunity! 

Congregant 2: Yay! Now we can light Shabbos candles again! 

Congregant 3: Yay! Now we can make Havdalah again! 

Sisterhood lady 1: Yay! Now think of all the money sisterhood can raise on our Strudel! 

Rabbi: Well, it just goes to show you, you don’t have to just follow everyone else. You don’t have to do the most “in” thing, not even to take the Smokey pledge. Just like the Macabbis of old, we can buck the trends. We can stand up and fight for our rights we’ll be respected for it. 

Sisterhood lady 2: Yeah, especially when the strudel is that good. 

Narrator2: And the Jews lived happily ever after. 

The end.