By Rabbi Joel M. Finkelstein, Anshei Sphard-Beth El Emeth Cong., Memphis, TN 

Most of us are familiar with the old TV show “All in the Family”. It portrayed the main character, Archie Bunker as a benign bigot and chauvinist, and  his wife Edith was depicted as one living with a verbally abusive husband, who stood by at his beck and call. She jumped at his every command, stifled when she needed to stifle and dutifully served every meal as she waited on her husband hand and foot. 

As the show went on, and Edith emerged from her dingbat status to speak up for herself, society itself underwent a change.  Women across America were demanding more from marriage and were learning to stand up for their rights. Similar depictions of the old model can  also be found in the Honeymooners  by Jackie Gleason, and can be seen also in Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller. Somewhere between the 50’s and the 90’s, a new model for marriages became the norm. Not every marriage then was of the Bunker ilk, and not every couple today conduct themselves any different then did people years ago. But overall, there has been a seismic shift. 

Allow me to characterize the old model of marriage, and the new model for marriage. Then let us think about which model has more potential to fulfill Jewish marriage values, and then let’s evaluate what needs to be done today to strengthen marriage as an institution.  

Again I emphasize that there was never a monolith in marriage, but I am portraying a prototype which we shall call “the old model of marriage.” In the old model of marriage, the man is the master of the house. Everyone is there to satisfy him. There is an air of slight or benign intimidation as no one would wish to arouse the wrath of the tired, overworked and underappreciated husband. Conversations in the home are directed and guided by the husband, and the wife may interrupt only if she can hold her own in that particular realm. In a number of areas of life, she simply is not conversant enough to participate, such as sports, politics, and aspects of religion. Occasionally, she does raise her voice and assert her authority. When she does so, few can stand in her way, as all recognize that she has earned her say in the household. 

There is tremendous stability in this marriage. No one would ever imagine them not married to each other. Although one rarely sees outward affection displayed, the couple just somehow go together. They are inseparable. Often they married young and by the time they are middle aged have been married for what seems like forever. There is an implicit respect the wife has for the husband, for the security he gives her through his strong image and through his hard work.  He in turn, appreciates her, underneath it all, for being a good woman of impeccable values, who works hard and makes a comfortable home for him. The couple spend a lot of time together in the house but there is not a whole lot of conversation between them. 

Now we turn to the prototype of the modern marriage. Here again, I generalize, intentionally stereotype, in the hopes of bringing out the basic contrast in lifestyle. In reality, most marriages did and do lie somewhere between. In the modern marriage there is a great emphasis on equality of husband and wife. In reality, she cooks and cleans much more than he does. She takes care of the kids a little more than he does, but he partakes of these roles more than did his earlier counterpart. Her opinion is equally valued with his. Decisions are made together about the children and the home. There tend to be more outward manifestations of affection. You can see them occasionally holding hands or kissing. 

There is not the same sort of stability in marriage as there was in the earlier model. Often they marry late, and can envision making it on their own. There is constant fear of divorce, because divorce is commonplace. In a survey taken a few years ago, people were asked if people who get married today expect to stay married, and 60% said no. There is a lot of bickering over who does what; Who is supposed to wash the dishes or the clothes, take care of the kids on Sunday, and put the kids to bed?  

Obviously, I have not portrayed the best of the old model or the best of the new model, but I have showed the underbelly of both types of marriage. The question is, which model has more potential to fulfill the ideal of Jewish marriage, Torah marriage, as envisioned by our ancient sages? Some might argue that since our sages wrote before the 1960’s, before Edith came into her own, that they have little to say about modern marriage, but actually, I believe that the truths set forth long ago do contain the keys to our future and I will attempt to demonstrate that this is so. 

Firstly, we need to recognize that the Torah itself speaks of two models for marriage. In Biblical Hebrew, there are two expressions to describe the relationship of a man to a woman. The torah in this week’s portion describes a man as a master of a woman, “baal isha”. One expression for husband is baal or master. While the notion of a man possessing a woman sounds archaic and deeply offensive, we actually say it all the time in more romantic connections when we say, “she’s my woman.” Mine in the sense that she belongs to me. Woman also in pop culture like to lovingly refer to their husbands as “my man.” This sense of possessiveness is actually healthy. As the Greek saying goes, “No man loves a city because it is great but because it is his.” We take pride and even love things because they are ours. Our children are not always the best children, but because they are mine, I stand behind them no matter what they may do. No one takes offense when you say, “My country tis of thee.”  

The second expression for  a husband in the Torah  is “Ishi”, my man. He is not her master, but rather he is hers, belonging to her. A wife is almost exclusively referred to as “My Woman”, His woman, ishto. G-d tells Eve, for instance, that her desire will always be for her man, ishech. Leah refers to her husband, Jacob, as ishi, my man, 5 times. Abraham is  referred to as Sarah’s man, and Adam as Eve’s man. The prophet Hoshea says (2, 18) that one day, the relationship of G-d to Israel will no longer be one of Baalech, your master, but ishech, your man or G-d spouse. Rashi, the classic French Commentary to the Torah, actually points out in Hoshea that “baali” is a language of mastery and fear whereas ishi is a language of marriage and youthful  love. Rabbi Meir Leibush, known as the malbim, a 19^th cent. Polish commentary, points out the relationship of Baali with the idea of marital relations, one with whom he had had relations, again, not a very personal term. There was actually a famous false god which was worshiped in those days known as Baal, Master. The prophet Hoshea was also saying that our relationship with G-d, modeled after an ideal marriage, is not one of mastery and dominance only but one of friendship, sharing,  and love. 

Whereas thus far we have spoken of marriage as a relationship in which the man is the wife’s man and the wife is the husband’s woman. There is another expression which defines the marriage relationship which is mentioned by the prophet Malachi. He calls a wife, cha-ve-ra-te-cha ve-eshet beri-techa, your friend and the woman or wife of your covenant. He views marriage as a covenant. The state of Louisiana, using this notion, actually created a separate institution  of marriage called covenant marriage which is harder to get out of and which speaks to a higher level of commitment one to the other. A covenant, as opposed to a contract, is not about costs and benefits, it is not just a deal, but a relationship of loyalty and commitment to shared goals. Aristotle, quoted by maimonides, speaks of 3 forms of friendship, the highest of which is a relationship in which the friends have shared values and goals. 

Rabbi Joseph Dov Soloveitchik, a premiere Orthodox thinker of the 20^th century, and one of my mentors, wrote in the book which came out posthumously, entitled, “Family Redeemed” that there are 2 models in the Torah for the relationship of man and wife. One is found in the first chapter of Genesis. There the Torah speaks of the human being created male and female. Their relationship is in order to proliferate the species, little more. In chapter 2 of Genesis, the Torah presents the other side of marital relationships when it speaks of  Adam and his woman, or his wife. It speaks of a man leaving his parents to cling to his wife and become as one. It speaks of a relationship whose purpose is to ground the individual with a soul mate, a helper and someone to stand with against the loneliness of the world.  

Rabbi Soloveitchik also speaks of 6 features of  covenantal marriage.

Covenental Marriage is a\ an

1.      Sacrificial community

2.      Hedonic community

3.      Procreative community

4.      Cooperative community

5.      Affectionate and appreciative community

6.      Educational community 

Covenental Marriage is a\ an

1.      Sacrificial community; the husband and wife each sacrifice the freedom to be with other partners. To Judaism, an “open marriage” as envisioned by some fringes of society, would be an oxymoron. If it is not sacrificial it is not marriage.

2.      Covenental Marriage is a\ an Hedonic community; In a Jewish marriage the wife and the husband may not refuse to provide physical love to their spouses. If either party does, it is grounds for divorce. Nor is a woman expected to remain in a marriage in which she finds the man impossible to cohabit with. It is healthy in a marriage for two individuals to feel physiologically dependant on one another.

3.      Covenental Marriage is a\ an Procreative community; in relationships, something needs to be happening all the time. Stagnation is not good for a relationship. Restless teenagers are sometimes found looking for some “action.” People by nature abhor a vacuum. For a young couple, the entering into the marriage of new life, of children, adds a spark to a marriage, it gives a third focus to the marriage, upon whom they can both shower love. For an older couple, life needs to be procreative. The couple needs activity, productivity, to feel that things are happening, that one is not merely in a midlife crisis, but that there are productive and fruitful activities in which both partners are engaged.

Hannah, the mother of the prophet Samuel, was very distressed for her lack of children before G-d gave her Samuel. Her insensitive husband would say to her, “Why are you so sad? Aren’t I better to you than 7 sons?” He failed to understand that marriage is designed to satisfy our needs to reproduce, to raise children, to continue our species and our tradition.  

4.      Covenental Marriage is a\ an Cooperative community;  Marriage is like a kibbutz. There is no private property. Whereas in society at large, we differentiate ourselves from others by virtue of our being distinct economic units, whose wealth and home are not to be offended, the marriage creates a partnership, almost a corporation, a new economic union. The Rabbis designed the Ketubah and the laws which accompany it which speak of mutual monetary obligations one to the other.

5.      Covenental Marriage is a\ an Affectionate and appreciative community; In a marriage, each spouse shares their existential loneliness with the other. It is a friendship built around common interests and shared values. The couple share a destiny together. They each accept the other for what they are and they accept the other’s weaknesses and strengths. Just as we recognize in ourselves both strengths and faults, so in our spouses we should be able to accept both weakness and strength. Loving your neighbor as yourself applies particularly to the spouse since few other people in your life are you apt to be able to really treat as yourself. The Talmud makes special mention of loving your neighbor in relation to spouses. The hsuband and wife each appreciate the joy the other brings them both physically and emotionally. They each appreciate the role the other plays in making it a functioning household.  

One Rabbi in the Talmud always used to buy things for his nagging wife. They asked him how he could be so affectionate when she was so bitter. He responded that it is enough for him that she raises his children and saves him from sin. (Yeb 63a) In other words, he was appreciative of what her presence in his life added to his life. Marriage was not always a piece of cake for him, but on the whole, he saw the good that it did for him and he appreciated it. Rabbi Yossi of the Talmud (Shabbat 118b) said that he never called his wife, “ishi”, my woman, but always, “beitee”, my home. While today this may sound somewhat sexist, that his wife was his home, I believe that what he meant was that he appreciated the fact that his wife was his anchor, she gave him a sense of belonging and warmth, more so than the four walls of his house. Marriage is designed to bring happiness to each spouse. There is a special mitvza for the man to help his wife rejoice, especially in the first year of marriage.

6.      Educational community; Lastly, Rabbi Soloveitchik said that the Jewish covenantal marriage is an educational community. The Zohar (Emor 91b) speaks of the spirit of G-d entering the person more and more with each stage in life, birth, marriage and having children endow him or her with greater spiritual capacity. The act of marriage is an act of growth. Having children is a process of educating. The more we give to the child, and to each other, the more we love each other. C.S. Lewis spoke of the different types of love, in his work, “the Four Loves.” He speaks of need love, the way in which children love their parents  because of the need they have for the parents. Spouses love for each other can grow as they realize how much they need each other.  

A much higher love, he says, is gift love, the love that flows from giving. We teach our children, we give them everything we can. We get little in return. But we love them because   love is fostered by giving. The Vilna Gaon says that the highest form of love is one which comes from giving. Marriage is a community in which there is giving, sharing of ideas, helping each other grow through debate, learning, discussion. 

These are the six aspects of the covenantal marriage. Now let us examine how the old model and the new model of marriage fair on these scores.  

We said Covenental Marriage is a\ an

1.      Sacrificial community. The old model excelled in sacrifice in the woman’s realm. It was the basis of the whole marriage. She gave up her career, her focus on herself and devoted herself largely to her husband and children. His sacrifice was mostly in the realm of working hard at work.  Today, some people wish to be married but with all the benefits of being single. Today, people try to have it all. They try to figure out how they can be giving in marriage without giving up anything career wise. It is truly a difficult challenge. Today, husbands do sacrifice more in terms of help in the house, but it is still not commensurate with the wife. Studies show that men somehow still find a few more moments a day for themselves, that TV show they wanna watch, that football game that is a don’t miss. Women are not given the OK by society to take that kind of personal time. They are still expected to make that sacrifice all alone.

2.      We said Covenental Marriage is a\ an Hedonic community. The old model was perhaps to puritanical. Husbands and wives were expected to stop being sexual beings, at least externally after a certain age. Today, the hedonic aspect of marriage is alive and well. This is not one of the problems of modern marriage. The only problem is that at times there is too much  focus on romance, looks, and sensuality, and these things are likely to pass and web and wane with time. An article just the other day in the Commercial Appeal said that infatuation has been proven to be something which fades with time. A couple can maintain  a passionate relationship their whole lives, especially when they are emotionally and physically dependant on one another, but one cannot be unrealistic about what that life will be like. Our media glorifies physical love in a way that demeans the long lasting, committed relationship. Many people seek thrills beyond the married life. Someone recently wrote that marriage equals chemistry, plus a decision to sustain the chemistry. People today are very good at finding chemistry before marriage. We are a little weak at making the decision to sustain the chemistry.

3.      We said Covenental Marriage is a\ an Procreative community. In the olden days, a person knew that marriage was in order to have children. Today, it is up for discussion. Some want children, some don’t. Some want them now. Some wait many years. Most people still do want children, but increasingly, it is not in the couple’s consciousness at marriage, since neither the man or the woman is being raised to be just a “mom” anymore.   

When children are out of the nest, the marriage can remain procreative by each partner continuing to be productive members of society, keeping the doors of the home open to guests, classes, helping people. There are two models of retirement, both flawed. One model says that later adulthood is more of the same from middle age. These people continue to work late hours into their advanced years, and continue not to spend too much time at home. Others view retirement as a time to be children again and to do little. Ideally, the golden  years need to be productive, procreative years, time to spend more time together as a couple, but time to continue to be useful to society and to others.

4.      We said Covenental Marriage is a\ an Cooperative community. The old model for marriage certainly contained cooperation. The man worked, and the woman made the home. She shared of his economic windfall but was not equally in charged of spending. The man controlled the purse strings more than the woman. Today, the economic cooperation is even fuller than it was, two total partners in earning a double income, but at home it is much more complicated. Whereas once it was clear who took out the garbage, who washed the dishes and so forth, today this has all become a matter of intense negotiations. The partnership in the home is ill defined and even conflictual. Once the marriage may have worked like clockwork, with each part of the partnership doing their chore, today the partners see each other in  a conflict of interest as to who gets stuck with the undesirable chores. Marriage was designed to be a defense against individualism, as someone once said, but today individualism is on the rise and counting and the single economic unit really consists of two totally independent individuals.  

Someone wrote that on the one hand we need to lose ourselves in marriage by sharing, but on the other hand, if we lose our sense of self  totally, then we cannot be effective partners. We are still working on finding that balance. One way to address this issue is to begin to look at the fairness in a marriage over time, not on a day to day basis. The Talmud mentions two cases of a disputed garment. In one case, both parties claim half, then obviously they should split the garment. In another case, both claim the whole thing, so they too must split the coat. In a marriage, we can’t necessarily split all the chores straight down the middle, but we need each party to try to do 100%, which should land out with each doing half, rather than each party trying to do only 50%.

(This point is also brought out through the prohibition against usury. Why can’t a person charge interest? After all, if I do a favor for you and lend you money, certainly a token of your appreciation is in order! Rabbi Haim Shmuelovitz answered that since kindness, chesed is a pillar of the world, and lending is one of the  highest form of kindness, we mustn’t charge interest. Charging interest would be as if to say, “Oh, yes, I will be kind to you, as long as you are equally kind to me.” The Torah, in attempting to establish a world of kindness, needed to state unequivocally, “If you lend money, if you are performing kindness, don’t charge interest. Don’t make it quid pro quo. Kindness is a basic. It is not conditional.”  Similarly  in a marriage, which is a chesed or kindness community, it is important for couples  not undermine the kindness foundation of the marriage by asking for a quid pro quo for every kindness.)

5.      We said Covenental Marriage is a\ an Affectionate and appreciative community. The modern marriage may be very affectionate, but it is not always appreciative. The old father deep down had a great respect for the wife whom he saw as more virtuous than her, who he knew worked so hard for the family. Today, the woman is expected to work hard inside and outside the house with no newfound appreciation. We also demean a woman and decrease her appreciation by the husband when we constantly glorify the bodies of the young and glamorous in the media.

6.      Educational community. Many books I looked at that talked about marriage spoke only about communication, fulfillment. Some described marriage as mutual psychotherapy. Not enough emphasis is placed on giving, sharing, sharing values, having common goals. One man tells a story of how when he was a child he thought that his parents had a bad marriage because they didn’t publicly show affection as he had seen couples do in the movies. Then one day there was a flood in the family farm. They carried the boy upstairs. They went back down to save the chickens and sheep. He glimpsed out the window and saw his mom and dad up to their knees in water, she carrying some chickens, he carrying some sheep. As he looked out the window, he knew he needn’t worry about his parents’ relationship. There was giving, sharing, there was a partnership. He knew the marriage was solid.  

The old Jewish marriage had a lot of learning in it. Today, more women can participate in the learning, along with the men. The home can truly be an educational community all around. The family can grow together each Shabbat as they all discuss the parasha. 

(Finally, there are different models of marriage found right in the book of Genesis. Sarah and Abraham go together. They are inseparable. He listens to her in family matters. He weeps at her funeral and eulogizes her, unlike all the other forefathers. Theirs was a sacrificial and a cooperative marriage, bringing many souls to G-d together. Isaac and Rebecca, said the Netziv, had a poor relationship. She viewed him on a pedestal. She met him through an arranged marriage and first met him praying, at a godly level. She could never confront him directly and had to work behind the scenes to get her way. This was not a covenantal marriage in that it was not a marriage of equals. Leah tries to make Jacob “her man” and she finally succeeds when she alone is buried with her husband. Rachel and Jacob had love at first sight, but it was an unrequited love. Their relationship was not always procreative which caused strains. It was a very affectionate marriage.)

All in all, the modern marriage poses new challenges as it presents new opportunities as well. It has the potential to be more of a covenantal marriage than the old model, because there is no master and subservient one. But we need to work on commitment and exclusivity before the covenant can be said to be unshakable. We see husbands giving up more to caregivers along with wives, but the basis of marriage as a sacrificial community is jeopardized by the rampant individualism and the viewing of marriage as merely a way to satisfy two individuals. The modern marriage is hedonic as it should be but it is not always directed at being procreative as it should. The marriage as a cooperative community has seen some advances but it cannot be allowed to deteriorate into a quid pro quo business relationship. We are moving toward more affectionate marriages, but we need to work on becoming an appreciative community, who appreciate and recognize women for their hard work in and out of the home. We need to learn to appreciate the beauty in every woman and not glorify only the most glamorous. Finally, we need to work on making our homes places of learning and shared values. We need to do a better job to inculcate values in our youth so that the young couples can have actual values to share other than the desire to live well and own many SUV’s. By having shared values, religious and moral, couples will find that there is more to share, more focus for their homes and their marriages, and a deeper sense of friendship.  

I feel that my Jewish life, and particularly Shabbos have deepened and anchored my marriage. When my family gets together Friday night for Shabbos dinner, I look at my wife, who has worked so hard to make Shabbos happen, and we all sing together and sometimes dance to the melodies of Shabbos. I look at our children’s love for Shabbos, I look at the kind of home we have built together, and I pray that indeed I have established a home, a place of belonging, education, affection, and appreciation and shared values. I hope  that no matter what type of marriage you have, you and your children and grandchildren have and will  all merit to experience the same sense of  warmth, togetherness, groundedness and security that I have found. Thank you. 

Models for Marriage

My Husband

                        Baali- my master

                        Ishi- my man 

My wife

                        Ishti- my woman

                        Beiti- my home

                        Chaverati- my friend

Eshet Beriti- woman of my covenant 

Husband and wife

Zachar oonkevah- male and female

Adam ve-ishto- Adam and his wife 

Goals for the Modern Couple 

·        See marriage as a covenant between equals. 

·        Each party must feel that the commitment of the other is unshakable. He is hers and she is his.

·        Marriage is about giving, not about mutual gratification.

·        Remain productive, learning, growing individuals.

·        We need to work on making our homes places of learning and shared values.

·        Marriage is not a  quid pro quo business relationship.

·        We need to be more  appreciative community, which appreciates and recognizes women for their hard work in and out of the home.

·        We need to do a better job to inculcate values in our youth so that the young couples can have actual values to share.

·        By having shared values, religious and moral, couples will find that there is more to share, more focus for their homes and their marriages, and a deeper sense of friendship.