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A Tale of Two Rebbes: a Purim Play
Cast: The Narcissister
(Cantor), and the Hoosier (Rabbi) Rebbes, the
Hasidim I-XV, W.
Band: As the Narcissister enters, the music of Shmelka's niggun is
played. The Rebbe does a small tanse. The narcissister sings, lee lee,
lee lee, lee lee lee lee lee, lee lee lee lee lee lee lay.
Narcissister: Hello everybody. I am the Narcissister Rebbe. I
believe
that everyone should be a narcissist. It's OK to be a narcissist. After
all, you have to look out for #1. As Hillel said, "If I am not for
myself, who is? Im ein ani lee, mee lee?" In Hebrew, "lee"
means for me.
(sad tune) "Lee, lee lee lee." Again, everybody,
"lee, lee lee lee
lee."
Crowd: lee lee lee lee lee.
Hasid III: lee, lee lee lee lee.
Narcisissister: excellent
Hasid IV: lay lay lay lay lay
Narcissister: not a bad twist. I like it, lay lay lay lay lay,
everybody! lay lay lay lay lay!
Hasid V: hoo, hoo, hoo hoo hoo
Narcissister: NO ! NAYN MIT A NUN! We cannot worry so much about
the other guy. Fuyst of all ve need to vory about ourselves. Where did you
get such notions, (mocking) hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo? Are you a spy for the
Hoosier Rebbe? Aroyse! Get out! (hasid stumbles out, everyone pushes him
out.)
Hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo? He's worried about him? About other people? Let him
worry first about himself! I believe if one of my Hasidim is tired
or if he's watching Jeopardy, he shouldn't have to come to shul for
minyan. I believe that if you're watching the cartoons on Sunday
morning, and that's what you wanna do, you should do it. If that's what
you want most, do it. If you're at home watching the last episode of
"Who wants to be a millionaire and the Rebbe is giving a class on the
Megillah. Don't get dressed and go to shul. Do what you wanna do. If you
want a pardon, ask for it, pay for it. You deserve it. So you may have
embezzled a few million or billion. If it's good for you, do it. If you
and a bunch of your cronies are very religious. Don't daven with
everyone else. Make your own shtiebel for yourself. Worry about
yourself. Me me me!
(Exit Narcissister dancing, enter Hoosier. Band: Shmelke's
niggun,
followed by Ketzad Merakdim)
Narcissister goes out to the band's playing Shmelke's niggun. As the
Hoosier enters, the music of Ketzad merakdim is played. The
Rebbe does a small tanse. At the end of the song, he sings along with the
band, hu hu hu, hu, ay yay yay yay, hu hu hu hu ay yay yay yay,..
Hoosier: I am the Hoosier Rebbe. I believe that in life, we are
nothing
Hasid I: I am a nothing, too.
Hoosier: Who do you think you are to say you are a nothing, a
gornisht? I am a nothing! I am a gornisht. We should all try to be
nothings. It's not easy to be a gornisht. I have worked my whole life to
understand how much of a gornisht I am. Everyone needs to worry not about
themselves, but about other people. For instance, if you have just enough
money to eat and pay the bills. Forget about the bills. Give the money to
someone else, such as me for instance.As Hillel said, "If I am for
myself, what am I?"
Hasid II: a gornisht.
Hoosier: Who asked you? Anyway, as I was saying, "If I am for
myself, what am I? Uchshani le-atzmi ma ani?" Who should we always
look out for? Not numero uno, not yourself, not "lee lee lee lee
lee." You should look out for the other guy. In Hebrew "he"
is "hoo."
Hasid VI: I thought he is she.
Hoosier: My dear Jew, teyra yid, if you think he is she then you've
got
a problem. Anyway as I was saying, hoo, that's Hebrew for the other guy,
him, (sad tune) hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo. Everybody, join in, hoo, hoo, hoo,
hoo, hoo.
Band: keitzad merakdim followed by Shmelke's niggun
Hoosier tanses out to the tune of keitzad merakdim, and shmelke's
niggun ushers in the Narcissister. The narcissister sings, lee lee, lee
lee, lee lee lee lee lee, lee lee lee lee lee lee lay.
Narcissister: I hear, (yiddeshe inflection) that some people want
to
raise money to build a new shtiebel. Some people say it should be for
the Hoosier Rebbe. Let me tell you. If we make a new shtibel, it should
be a shtiebel for me and for you, not for (mocking) hoo hoo hoo, not for
the other guy. Let the other people make their own shteibel. Do you want
to start building shtiblach for the other guy? Lo mit an alef, NO with an
O. Let me hear you say it, no!
Crowd: NO!
Narcissister: You know my dear Jews, it is so important to look out
for
yourself. It is so so important. And you know my sweet Jews, zissin
yiddin, it is so beautiful when a Jew looks out for himself. As a matter
of fact, I wanna teach you a song about the importance of everything
being for me, lee lee lee lee lee. It goes like this:
(Band plays Shmelke's niggun. When he gets to the second part he says,
lee lee.)
Narcissister: Come on everybody, shake those gragers! Lee lee, la
la la la la lee lee. Everything is for me. Me! Me! (throws hands up with
dramatic flare!) And here are some shirayim! (throws candy)
(Narcissister goes out to the band's playing Shmelke's niggun. As the
Hoosier enters, the music of Ketzad merakdim is played. The
Rebbe does a small tanse. At the end of the song, he sings along with the
band, hu hu hu, hu, ay yay yay yay, hu hu hu hu ay yay yay yay....)
Hoosier: I hear, (yiddeshe inflection) that some people want to
raise
money to build a new shtiebel. Some people say it should be for the
Narcissister Rebbe. Let me tell you. If we make a new shtibel, it should
be a shtiebel for everyone, for all the people out there, not just for
(mocking) lee lee lee, not for just me me me. Who is going to make a
shtiebel for all the tireh yidden, the dear jews out there if not us? Do
you want to start building shtiblach just for ourselves? Lo mit an alef,
NO with an O. Let me hear you say it, no!
Crowd: NO!
Hoosier: You know my dear Jews, it is so important not just to look
out for yourself. It is so so important. And you know my sweet Jews,
zissin yiddin, it is so beautiful when a Jew looks out for other people.
As a matter of fact, I wanna teach you a song about the importance of
doing everything for him and for her, for other people, hoo for him and
her..It goes like this:
(Band plays Keitzad merakdim. When he gets to the second part he says,
hoo hoo hoo hoo.)
Hoosier: Come on everybody, shake those gragers! Hoo hoo hoo hoo ay
yay yay yay. Everything is for Him. Him! Him! (throws hands up with
dramatic flare!) And here are some shirayim! (throws candy)
Hasid VII: Rebbe?
Hoosier: What is it? Can't you see I'm just getting to the good
part?
Hasid VIII: But Rebbe, there is some terrible news!
Hoosier: What's the matter, you don't like it my song? You think
maybe everything should only be mee mee mee?
Hasid VII: No, no rebbe, Has vesholom, G-d forbid! But President
Bush
has just declared that he will only give the gelt to those who are faith
based, and it says here (holding newspaper) that he will only give to
faith based, not those who are shtiebel based.
Hoosier: He's not gonna give to the shteibel based? We Hasidim
always pray in a shteibel, a small house instead of a large shul. That's
an outrage! Shtiebel based faith is the best kind of faith a person can
have, and I should know, because I have a lot of shteibel based faith.
Hasid II: Well, they shouldn't give money to barn-based faith.
Hoosier: What's barn-based faith?
Hasid III: That's a shul that looks like a barn but has no minyan.
Hoosier: Who's talking about barn-based faith groups anyway?
Hasid IX: Do you think maybe you should speak to the Narcissister?
Hoosier: What? Me speak with that narcissist? Never! Lee lee, lee
lee
lee lee lee, lee lee! Never! But on the other hand, maybe if we join
together we could fight this evil decree. But on the other hand, if he
is only for himself, what is he?
Hasid X: A narcissist?
Hoosier: I know that the Narcissister is a narcissist, but will he
join
with me? After all, I am not him, and if he is for himself, and I am not
him, he will be against me. On the other hand-
Hasid XI: But rebbe, you only have 2 hands!
Hoosier: So I'll use one of yours. After all, if I am for myself,
what
am I?
Hasid XII: A two handed rebbe who sings a lot?
Hoosier: Will you cut it out. I know that!
Hasid XIII: Rebbe, here comes the Narcissister.
Hoosier: I thought I heard something.
(Band: plays Shmelke's niggun. Rebbe does a tanse, sings lee lee at the
end.)
Hoosier: Always with the lee lee's.
Narcissister: If I am not for myself who will be?
Hasid XIV: Nobody.
Narcissister: I know that. That's why I'm the Narcissister Rebbe.
And
you, always with the hoo hoo's. What are you some kind of ghost? Hu hu?
Hoosier: Look, we need to come together.
Narcissister: Look, I am for myself, lee lee lee, I cannot be for
you
and for me. I have to choose.
Hoosier: Well, let me tell you, if we don't do something, neither
one of
us will get the big bucks.
Hasid XV: Did someone say big bucks?
Narcissister: Of course he did, now listen up, what are you saying
oh
holy Hoosier Rebbe?
Hoosier: I'm saying Bush is giving out big bucks to faith based
groups
and those with shteibel bases get gornisht.
Narcissister: Let's go get the President and we'll show him who has
faith around here.
Hoosier: Yeh, we'll show him.
Hasidim: Yeh, yeh, we'll show 'em.
Hoosier: But wait! If you sing your song, and I sing my song, if
you
have your shteibel and I have my shteibel, which shteibel based faith do
you expect him to give to, lee lee based faith groups or hoo hoo based
faith groups?
Narcissister: You're right Hoosier. We'll have to come up with a
new
song.
Hasidim: a new song????!!!!
Hoosier: Wait a minute, let me just teach you my song. That clearly
will be the most inspiring to the President. It's all about the other guy.
Band: keitzad, he sings hoo hoo.
Narcissister: Look, that's very nice (aside: ) frankly it's
choloshes.
But my song will be far more inspiring to the head of the free world.
Band: Shmelke's niggun. He sings lee lee lee lee..
Hasid I: I have an idea.
Rebbes: What's that?
Hasid I: I have a niggun you could both sing.
Narcissister: (whiny) Only if I get to say lee lee.
Hoosier: (whiny) Only if I get to say hoo hoo.
Hasid I: don't worry, you can say whatever you want.
Band: leshanah habaah, (Which is niggun # 2). Let the rebbes sing a
few times.
Narcisister and his hasidim: lee lee lee lee lee lee lee..
Hoosier and his hasidim: hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo.
W. Bush: look, you can have the money. It's not my tax money. It's
your money.
Band resumes leshana habaah (which is niggun #2), dance away.. sing
away.
The end.
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