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> Plays > Purim Play
The Megillah Revisited,
by Rabbi Joel Finkelstein
Cast: Esther, Achashverosh, Bigtan, Teresh, Mordechai, Esther's helper,
director.
(Enter Esther and Achashverosh)
Achashverosh: I can't take it anymore, Esther, you're always
so
secretive!
Esther: Am not.
Achash: Are too.
Esther: Not.
Achash: Too.
Esther: Not.
Achash: Oh yeh?
Esther: Yeh!
Achash: So what country is your family from?
Esther: What's it to you?
Achash: Told you so! And what is your real name?
Esther: Snoopy head!
Achash: Ah hah! And why does your name mean "hidden"?
Esther: Can't a gal hide a few things now and then?
Achash: Nonsense! You drive me crazy! But that's why I like you so
much.
Audience: AWWWW!
(Exit Achashverosh and Esther. Enter Bigtan and Teresh. Mordechai on
side with a phone to his ear.)
Bigtan: Teresh?
Teresh: Yes, Big Town.
Bigtan: Not Big Town! Bigtan!
Teresh: Well, Big Town.
Bigtan: Bigtan!
Teresh: Whatever! You know, this Achashverosh character, I don't
know. I
think he's not quite what he pretends to be.
Bigtan: Yeh, I agree. Maybe he's a ghost or a madman.
Teresh: Not a ghost! Quit clownin' around. I mean, I don't' think
he's
really as rich as he wants us to think he is.
Bigtan: Well, he sure impressed me when he took out all his silver
goblets-
Teresh: That's exactly it! He took out all his silver
goblets. Whatever
you saw at the party, that's the only wealth he's got. That's it. A
really rich man has hidden assets, stocks, bonds, futures, municipal
bonds, annuities, treasury bonds, options, real estate. This guy has
some purple rugs and some stolen goblets, he shows the whole town, and
everyone is so impressed, but not me. I know he's weak. He's gonna fall
soon, and I think I know how we can take over.
Bigtan: Gee, Radish-
Teresh: Teresh, not radish.
Bigtan: Whatever. It all sounds great but I only have one question.
Teresh: What could you possibly ask me after my having elucidated
the
most brilliant, most ingenious plan?
Bigtan: If your plan is so brilliant, who is the guy over there
listening to this entire conversation?
Teresh: Oh, not to worry, it's just Mordechai who sits at the gate
of
the city and who happens to talk to the king quite a----uh oh! Oh, hi
there, Mordechai, we were just kidding around.
Mordechai: Oh Achashverosh? Have I got a story for you. Prepare the
gallows!
Teresh: Oh Big town, it's all your fault.
Bigtan: Bigtan!
Teresh: Whatever!
(exit Mordechai, Bigtan and Teresh. Enter Haman and Achashverosh.)
Haman: Your majesty?
Achashv: Yes Haman. By the way, why do you always wear that hat?
Haman: I'll eat my hat if I know, your majesty.
Achash: (annoyed) What is it?
Haman: Well, there is one people who are- well, DIFFERENT!
Achash: Oh no, different. How terrible.
Haman: And everything they do is DIFFERENT!
Achashv: Different, oh perish the thought. Off with their heads! By
the
way, can you spare 10,000 silver pieces? After all, what's a hundred
thousand or two between friends?
Haman: Sure, no problem. I just happen to have a few thousand on
me. But
I want this event to be big. You know, in every newspaper, Shushan Post
Dispatch, Tigris River Front Times, county journal, suburban journal,
Persian Post, Median Media, you name it. I want it plastered on every
bill board in town. And let's start now, a year ahead of time.
Achash: Wait a minute. Why should we tell everyone? You know how
many
negative phone calls we'll get? The Anti Defamation League, the Shushan
Jewish Committee, the Shushan Jewish congress. Then they'll want us to
pay for all the hidden bank accounts. Let's just do this quietly. Nobody
has to know.
Haman: Look Achashverosh, you'll understand. Men like us, we like
to do
things big! We like to do everything with a little splash, a little
panache! When you made a party you made it big, fancy, so everyone
could
see. When I kill those Jews, I want everyone to see and know that I did
it, with your most gracious help of course.
Achash: Of course.
(exit Haman and Achashverosh, enter Esther, Helper, on one side, and
Mordechai on the other side)
Mordechai: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! The Jews are doomed! Doomed!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!?
Esther: Could you close that window? I never heard such a
racket. You
know, you move to a new neighborhood to get away from all the rif raf,
and what do ya' get? More noise! Doesn't anyone have any consideration?
Who raised these people anyway?
Helper: Umm, oh Queen?
Esther: Yes, oh humble helper?
Helper: I think it's your, uhum, "friend", Mordechai. I
think he's
running around with a sack on his back.
Esther: Tell him to cease and desist immediately! I will not have
this
behavior in my court!
Helper (out the window): Cease and desist immediately! By the order
of
her Heinous!
Mordechai: The Jews are doomed! Haman did us in! Haman did us in!
Helper: (to Esther): He says the Jews are doomed, and something
about
Haman.
Esther: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! Haman did us in!
Helper: (To Mordechai): She says AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAgh! Haman
did us in!
Mordechai: Tell her to go immediately to the king and tell him to
get us
out of this.
Helper: (to Esther) He says you have to get the Jews out of this.
By the
way, what do you care about those Jews? Let them take care of
themselves. Besides, they are different!
Esther: Mind your own business. You're just a humble helper. Tell
him
"what are you crazy? You want me to get killed?"
Helper: (to Mordechai) What? Do you vant her to get killed?
Mordechai: Tell her there is no escape. Tell her this could be her
finest hour. Tell her her destiny is linked to this moment. Tell her if
she doesn't do anything, she's in big trouble.
Helper: ( to Mordechai)What was that? I can't hear you?
Mordechai: There is no other way.
Helper:(to Esther) He says there is snow on the way.
Esther: He's losing it. Tell him to find every Jew and tell them to
fast
3 days, and we'll do the same here.
Helper: (to Esther) Did you say we? Frankly, I'm a bit hungry
already.
Esther: Quiet! I will go to the king, and whatever happens,
happens.
Helper: She said something about going on a huge diet and she
doesn't
know how much weight she'll actually lose.
(exit Esther, Mordechai and helper, enter director, Achashverosh)
Director: Next scene!
Achashverosh: Esther is that you?
Esther: No, its Bigtan, just kidding.
Achashverosh: How can I help you?
Esther: I have a small request. (Aside:) I just don't have
the guts to
do it. To Achashverosh: Could you come to a party with Haman?
Achashverosh: Sure? That's no big deal! That's why you made a
special
trip out here just to tell me that?
Esther: That's all.
Achashverosh: (Aside) Strange woman. Everything is a secret.
What is she
up to now? And why did she invite Haman? Everything is Haman. Haman
State Park. Haman Parkway, Haman Drive, Haman township. What's the big
deal about Haman?
Director: Next scene!
Achashverosh: O.K. Esther, I know you're up to something. What is
it?
Esther: Oh, nothing, just wanted to invite you to another party.
Achashverosh: Parties, parties, that's all we get around here.
Never get
any work done. O.K. I'll come.
Esther: And by the way, Haman too.
Achashverosh: All right, Haman too. Haman too. What did he ever do
for
you? I'm your husband, and don't you forget it.
Director: Next scene!
Achashverosh: Oh yeh, I forgot about that time when Mordechai saved
my
life. Gotta do something for him.
Director: Next scene!
Esther: Welcome to the party. I'm glad you could all join us. By
the
way, I'm Jewish and he's the bad guy.
Achashverosh: I knew you were Jewish. Why else would you order two
cases
of Herring every week? And why else would you order kichel from
Chicago?
And after all, who else kvetches the way you do? And besides, you
always
drive me crazy, and those Jews drive me crazy! By the way, let Haman
hang. Any further requests?
Esther: Yes. How about letting Haman's ten sons hang, too?
Achashverosh: Sure! And by the way, Mordechai can be in charge of
the
house of Haman. Oh, Esther, I knew you were something special, I just
didn't know how special you were.
Audience: AHHHHH!
Director: The End. |
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